strange dream

I had a strange dream that I stepped out onto a balcony and it was the beach at night, and everyone I knew was around me on the beach – there was something going on, everyone was excited about something.

I was hugging everybody I saw – then I looked up into the sky and I pointed it out to somebody – the Moon was huge. Then I realized that there was not one but 3 moons, one was bigger than the other two. Then I looked to my right and there was another big moon – so there were 4 moons.

Then Patrick came onto the beach and he was like in love with me…..we were hugging and made plans to hook up later. Then it was over I think

strange dream

I thought that I loved you,
But all of it was fake
I tried not to see,
That you’re one big mistake.
I tired to look past
But all I could find
Were all of your lies
When you messed with my mind.
I only can hope
That you see how I feel
And never use me again
And for it to be real.
I wish you would see me
As more than the other chicks
Stop with the teasing
And all of your tricks.
If only you knew
What you did to me
I think I still love you
But I wish I could disagree.

here i am
slowly trying to forget your existence
once i was happy
I remember breakfast with you in sunny corners
memories of pleated skirts coffee and cashmere sweaters
holding hands over the table
and laughing to ourselves, amused by our own inside jokes
the city bustled along in its daily grind
but we were floating along, in the clouds like we were in our own dreamy bubble.

Wait for
the One who:

– Calls you just to tell you he misses you…
– When you
get annoyed with him, cares enough to call or message and try and fix it…

When he hugs you, holds you closer than he would anyone else…
– Kisses you
on the forehead…
– Will walk you home, even if it means he has to walk
twice as far…
– Messages you as soon as he realizes you’re not there

Makes promises and actually keeps them…
– Will tell you all his fears, and
let you help him conquer them…
– Who knows by one look that you need
– Would rather spend time hugging you than flirting with other
– Walks you to the door and kisses you good night…
– Writes you
letters, even though he can’t spell…
– Knows everything about you, but
still loves you…
– Can be your best friend first, and boyfriend
– Will explain to his friends how much he loves you without
– Will try to teach you his favorite sport so you can enjoy
it together…
– Will ask you for help with the subjects you love…

Will go see a chickflick with you and not complain…
– You can call whenever
and he always says he’s never too busy for you…
– Will run to your house in
the rain to make sure your okay…
– Loves you, even in your sweats…

Will sing you a love song, whether or not he can sing…
– Will buy you
something small and personal and doesn’t have to try to impress you with
– Will be impressed when you scarf down a Big Mac on your first
– Can drive you insane, but with one apology you get over it…

Will listen to you sing your songs, whether or not you can sing…
– Will
have a photo of you in his wallet and show it off proudly…
– Won’t hear a
bad word about you, even from his mates…
– Will fill up your whole inbox on
your mobile with messages you just can’t bring yourself to delete…
– Keeps
a box of things you gave him…
– Remembers small details you said to
– Knows what annoys you and tries really hard to stop…
– Knows
your favorite chocolate and flowers and buys them for you every time you have a
– Whispers in your ear…
– Will come and cry on your
– Says little things he knows will get to you, just so he has an
excuse to apologize and kiss you…
– Will drive all his mates crazy talking
about you…
– Will use every spare moment talking to, about or thinking of
– Only make you cry of happiness…
– Make a huge effort with your
family, although they drive you crazy…
– Knows your mobile number off by
– Gets a gut feeling when your crying, and magically always seems to
– Calls you sweet pet names, even in front of his friends…

Looks at other girls but always points out how your better…
– Does your
hair for you, or fixes your clothes…
– Doesn’t get jealous because he
trusts you…

– Doesn’t play with your head, just tells you straight out
how he feels, and its always the right thing to say…

– Can be himself
around you, and is confident that you’ll love him just the same…
– Comes to
you on ‘Ugly Days’ because he knows you will think he’s gorgeous…
– Tells
you every morning how perfect you are…
– Comes to watch you dance, and
invites you to come see him play sport…
– Acts like hes at home when he’s
at your place…
– Makes you feel at home at his place…
– Has developed
a strong bond with your pets…
– Gets upset when your upset, especially if
another guy hurt you…
– Is protective but always trustworthy…

Says ‘I love you’ and means it…

You don’t need many words

To leave me breathless

Only one off your tongue

The sweet sound that calms

The aching in my soul

You enter languid

As you shape your tones

You leave me breathless

You leave me breathless

I want to know if a soul will show to grow

Grow in my garden

Sow up the hardened soil of forgotten love

I want to know if a soul will show to grow

Grow in my garden

Sow up the hardened soil of forgotten love

Self Destructive Behaviors In Women

I found this article very interesting:

Self Destructive Behaviors
In Women

Michaele P. Dunlap, Psy.D,  Clinical

If someone told you that
she had been strung out on cocaine six days last week, or that she has been binge eating
and vomiting three times a day, you’d know she was caught in self destructive behavior.
Could you recognize your own self destructive behavior as easily?

As women we are self destructive when we eat poorly trying to keep our bodies too thin;
when we overeat to obesity; when we gain weight and diet in endless cycles of self
deception and self blame about our eating and our weight.

We are self destructive when we try to “drink like a man.” We are at risk
when we drink more than an ounce or two of alcohol on any regular basis, because our
bodies are much more reactive to the toxicity of alcohol than men’s. Excessive use of
alcohol costs any drinker both tissue damage and emotional pain. For women the physical
and emotional costs of alcohol mis-use are higher; the threshold of mis-use is lower.

We are self destructive when we use drugs in an attempt to control our emotions. There
is no mind-altering drug which does not have some harmful physical effect.

Eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse are easily recognizable self destructive
behaviors. But self destructive patterns are not always so obvious, nor are their causes
always easy to understand.

We are self destructive when we spend beyond our means; when we are sexual in ways that
cause us to lose self respect; when we keep ourselves in personal relationships that cause
us to feel inferior, abused, or taken advantage of.

We are self destructive when we neglect our bodies and do not give them rest and
exercise; we are self destructive when we drive ourselves, overworking or over exercising
to please others or to make ourselves feel okay.

We are self destructive when we stifle our legitimate angers; when we turn our
disappointments into contempt for ourselves; when we avoid attempting our ambitions
because we will not accomplish them perfectly.

We are self destructive when we make others responsible for our lives,

  • by blaming “them”
  • by an attitude of helplessness
  • by believing and behaving as if we have no capacity to change or to manage our own lives
    effectively and pleasurably.

As women we are especially vulnerable to self destructive behavior which has its
roots in the sense of shame. Because we are sometimes ashamed of the simple fact of being

We can feel shame about our bodies

“I’m not pretty enough, or thin enough.” “My body is dirty because of my

Shame of competence

“I’m stupid.” “If I try I’ll mess it up.” “Some things I’ll
never be good at; I’m just a female.”

Shame in relationships

“How can I expect anybody to like me, I’m such a witch!” “People
think I’m foolish when I try to say anything.” “Who could love me, I’m so

Shame about our own character

“Why try? ” “I’m flawed.” “I’m disgusting.” “I’m
worthless.” I’m powerless.”

Addictions, compulsions, all the forms of self destructive behavior have the
perverse function to numb shame. When we are caught in self destructive tangles, we forget
to feel badly about ourselves — for the moment.

If you find yourself caught in the tangle of self destructive behavior there are many
avenues to recovery and growth.

Quit blaming yourself

Begin by taking a clear-eyed look at your life, right now. What’s working? What’s
making you happy? What’s not?

Define what needs to change

Recognize that change takes time. Give yourself both emotional space and sufficient
time to make the changes that will be useful to you.

Find help

(Thinking we should be able to do everything by ourselves is another self
destructive behavior!)
Choose friends, helpers, teachers, groups, mentors,
therapists, who offer you honest feedback, new information, and useful support for
becoming the best of your own kind of person.


The process of recovery from addictive, compulsive, self destructive behaviors can be
overwhelming. You may be confronted by new emotions and flooded by memories. You may find
yourself replacing one set of self destructive behaviors with another.

Be aware

Women seeking recovery from self destructive behaviors frequently find their progress
blocked by the previously unrecognized impact of psychological trauma, loss, childhood
neglect, abuse, abandonment, sexual assault, and patterns of emotional or physical abuse
as well as self neglect in adult relationships.

Too often the woman trying to recover from self destructive behavior finds herself in a
revolving door of treatment / self-help / relapse because the core processes of her
psychological and emotional development have not been attended to.

The key elements for moving beyond self destructive behavior are self awareness, self
responsibility, and a well developed process of personal choice.


Self destructive behaviors are rigid, unhealthy patterns of responding to feelings of
shame and powerlessness.

Change away from self destructive behavior proceeds by gathering the skills and self
awareness to move in the world with self assurance and self determination.

Self Destructive Behaviors In Women

& maybe it just got to be too much

We got caught up in the whirlwind of love

Forgot what was important

Maybe If we just take a step back

And remember what it was that brought us together

Maybe if we forget the bad
because it is so outweighed by the good

Overlook the stupid mistakes
because after all, we are only human.

And being human, I can’t help but loving you.
I would never admit it for fear of seeming weak but I have found my soul twin In You


in a moment of weakness I IM’d my ex..and we were all formal with each other, Like, very “please and thank you”.

It was terrible.

but then, right when he was about to sign off, a new IM flashed up on the screen, and he said:

“Val – do you miss me?”

and I said:


Him: “I miss you too <333”

Me: “A Lot.”

Him: “Me Too.”

Why why WHY do I miss him so much, why do I still think of him why do I even CARE,
when I know he has been terrible to me, that he’s going to continue to treat me badly,
When he’s so fucked up and immature.

Maybe I really care about him enough to look past all the defects. Well, they say love is blind…

I finally found my apartment, I move in Monday — it’s on the Lower East Side but it’s ok since my Nanny job fell through- which is ok, I can do better. I’m looking to work for Fashion Design House or Fashion PR firm anyway – & I have an interview scheduled for Monday, wish me luck 🙂